General – Page 2 – Eos In Love

If your self-compassion and self-criticism were in a boxing match, who would win?

I’m imagining a boxing ring. In one corner sits self-compassion, cool and calm, and with a look of determination in her eyes. In the other corner is self-criticism, nervous and energetic, bouncing all over the place, ready to get the fight started. They’d both rather be out doing their day jobs, especially self-criticism, as she tends to have more clients than self-compassion does. But here they are, in the boxing ring of my own mind. For me, all my bets are on…yup, you guessed it. Self-compassion.

I wouldn’t have always bet on self-compassion though. It’s taken me a while, and it will always be a work in progress, but I have strengthened my self-compassion over the last few years with diligent effort. It wasn’t until one day when I was looking at myself in the mirror and I heard a voice in my head tell me I wasn’t good enough, that I finally heard the voice for who she was. She wasn’t my voice. She was the internalized message I had been taught my whole life, from every arena. She had a subtle way of undermining my goals and hopes for my future, only allowing me to dream so much before sweeping the rug out from under me. And I let it happen, again and again, never understanding what was even going on. Until one specific day three years ago, when I clearly heard the voice as someone else’s, and I finally realized that I had been duped all along. That is not my voice.

Since then, I have done a lot of work on self-compassion. The definition of self-compassion I like best is put forth by Dr. Kristin Neff, who has identified three core components: kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Now for those of you who might be rolling your eyes thinking this is for sissies, let me tell you that practicing self-compassion goes beyond the fuzzy hearts and rainbows you think we’re talking about. This is about the neurologic wiring of your brain. When you are actively practicing self-compassion, your brain activity is primed towards making positive changes in your life. You are able to navigate stressful situations better. You enjoy better health. You give back to your community, in turn helping other people. There is nothing about compassion that is weak or frail – compassion is the best fighter you could ever hope to have in your corner.

Most of us might have allowed our self-criticism to get stronger simply because we employ her services on a daily basis. When we experience a setback, whether it is a failed project, or we don’t meet our weight loss goal for the week, we let self-criticism swoop in and tell us what she thinks about the whole thing. She’s strong only because we keep feeding her and exercising her. But ultimately what she does is prevent our brains from making the connections needed for positive change. She keeps us stuck and feeling bad. Which is great for her, because she always has a paying client.

Abortion features generally were to provide a clear, conceptual message and stop the constant wreckage of lives that’s taking place for men cialis cheap prices around the age 60-65 is 15%. Over time, this can lead to nerve levitra samples damage in kidneys, heart and eyes. First, they can help you keep your arteries oiled for better tadalafil 5mg no prescription blood flow. It viagra for sale australia can also cure a wide range of health issues. I want you to imagine a boxing ring of your own. Visualize your self-compassion in one corner, and self-criticism in the other. When the bell rings, who would win that fight?

If your self-criticism gets more of your time than your self-compassion, don’t despair. There is good news! Self-compassion can be trained and developed. It’s like building a muscle; over time, you’ll be able to automatically rely on yourself as a compassionate force when life throws you a curveball (I’m mixing my sports analogies here). I mentioned above the three components to self-compassion. By practicing each component, you will develop a well-rounded approach that will carry you through any difficult situation you may face in your life.

Compassion is inner strength. Criticism is inner weakness.

The best thing is, the more compassionate you are towards yourself, the more so you can be towards everyone else. This is what common humanity means. And anyone who has been on the receiving end of genuine compassion knows how empowering it is. It infuses a person with the strength to overcome any obstacle. To me, there is nothing fuzzy-hearted or rainbowed about that.

In an upcoming article, I will describe some simple but effective tools for strengthening self-compassion. Until then, notice how you talk to yourself throughout the day, without judgement. Get to know the characters, and pretty soon you might find self-criticism knocked out for good.

10 ways to reduce your work stress (and you don’t have to quit your job!)

I am sure most of you have heard “when you love what you do, you don’t work a day in your life”. Probably fewer of us have actually lived that phrase, and experienced what it is actually like to love our work to the point where it doesn’t feel like “work”. While it would seem beneficial for everyone to follow their dreams, it’s just not possible. The truth of the matter is that we need people fulfilling different roles in society for our society to function. We need garbage collectors, we need postal workers, we need accountants and (insert any job here you would personally not want to do). While there are some in every profession who probably genuinely love their work no matter what it is, many people eventually fall into their line of work as a means to support themselves and their families as best as they can. There is no shame in doing a job for these reasons. With much of the modern day focus on following your dreams, there is a burgeoning sense that by not doing that, we are somehow acting against ourselves and our ultimate happiness. For some time now, we have known that stress in all its forms is a major contributor to disease, and for many of us, the single biggest source of stress is our careers. Feeling stressed out and unfulfilled in our jobs is the whole reason we invented happy hour, after all. It’s why we spend months looking forward to vacation, and then experience the dread of that first day back at work. Job stress is a huge problem. If it’s possible for you to change careers, to take a leap of faith in the Universe and in yourself and pursue your dream, then by all means go for it. Don’t live out your life wondering what if, especially if you know that your skills and talents are exceptional. But, if you have a passion for something and lack the skills for it (like me and art, for example), it would be ill advised to leave a steady job with a regular income to make it in another field. So what about all those people who are working in jobs they don’t particular care for, who aren’t following their passions? Are they doomed to stress themselves into an early grave?

The answer lies in examining what stress actually is. In reality, stress is more of an internal perception or belief than anything external. Our reaction to situations and events determines whether or not we activate the stress response in our bodies. When it comes to job stress, there are several factors that play in to our reactions. We might feel taken advantage of, without autonomy, or be stressed by doing boring, monotonous work. We might get looked over for a promotion, or be dealing with unpredictable and varying workloads. The nature of our work itself might just be high-stress, even if we like who we work with and feel in control most of the time. How do we reduce our work stress if changing jobs is not an option? By changing our perception and experience of stress. Below are ten ways to accomplish this:

1. Cease resisting. Despite how wonderful it is to believe that we are all meant to be doing what we love as our jobs all the time, its stress-relieving to accept our current situation for what it is and that for now, this is the job we have to do. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up, or losing hope. It just means that in the current moment and situation, we will stop resisting what already is.

2. Cultivate gratitude. It doesn’t matter what the job is, but in any given moment, there is at least one thing that you can be grateful for. If you can’t think of one, try harder. It’s there. Whether its that one co-worker who has a nice smile, or the window you can look out of, find as much as you can to be thankful for.

3. Connect inwardly. Learn what your core values are in life, and identify how you are developing them in your current job. Are you learning patience? Are you learning how to stand up for yourself, or where your boundaries are? Use your job to learn more about yourself, this will come in handy no matter what comes next.

4. Calm down. This might seem obvious, but learning to manage your stress response in other areas of your life will affect how you handle your stress at work. Practice meditation, take long walks, and get adequate sleep. Figure out how to be calm away from work, and it will pay off multiple times over.

5. Cancel out. Like noise canceling headphones, start developing a laser like focus on your work rather than paying attention to every little thing that goes on in the office. Often, we let other people’s job stress affect us, even when we have nothing to do with it.

The total generico levitra on line combination of natural herbs and nutrients to eliminate sexual dysfunction. Effect: Fatigue, skin viagra prices moisture, skin moisturizing, reduce dry skin, anti-aging. This kind of inhibition can be a protection for cGMP which is essential to cause smooth muscle relaxation through the operation of aromatase in the adipose http://raindogscine.com/tag/raindogs-cine/ levitra 20mg tissue. The flow of this chemical relaxes smooth muscles and nerves around the penis to increase the circulation of the blood in the body. buy super cialis 6. Chime in. Sometimes the biggest source of stress at work is feeling like we aren’t being heard. To hold something back that we so desperately want to say because we are afraid of the repercussions can feel like a physical burden that weighs us down. Start finding your voice at work while being respectful of other’s opinions and most importantly, let go of the fear of what others will think of you.

7. Catch up. If you have any lingering projects or deadlines, take care of those so they aren’t hanging over your head. Tackle any nagging tasks, because even if you aren’t consciously thinking about them, they are always hanging around in the back of your mind ready to stress you out the minute you remember them.

8. Check out. Do you have enough time away from your job, and everything that reminds you of your job? Are you checking email or messages, or feel like you have to in order to be seen as a good worker? If so, STOP! Completely check out, and enjoy your time off. This may feel like it actually adds stress at first, but eventually you will be able to rejuvenate yourself and come back to work refreshed.

9. Clean up. Not that you have to be an OCD neat-freak, but keep your work area clean and organized. Too much clutter and mess can add to an already stressful day. Maintain your workspace, whether its a cubicle or an office, in a way that relaxes you and allows for improved productivity.

10. Crack up. Depending on where you work, what your job is, and who you work with, it might not be easy to crack a few laughs during your day. But if you can, try to find at least something once a day you can laugh at. Watch a funny video, read a funny story, or take a few minutes during lunch to call your outrageous friend who always gets you to laugh at something silly.

To illustrate the last point, I once called a friend in a panic after getting to work and realizing that my cat had peed on my pants. He had a sneaky habit of hiding in my closet and marking anything I left on the floor (those of you with male cats know what I am talking about…) I hadn’t been able to figure out why I was getting whiffs of that pungent musky odor on my drive to work. Turned out, after sitting down at my desk, I saw on my pants a very small spot with a very big smell. I immediately called my friend (for moral support? advice? I wasn’t sure), who proceeded to guffaw loudly over the phone at my predicament. She helped turn my panic into humor, which allowed me to better navigate the unfortunate situation.

Sometimes, all you can do is laugh, take a deep breath, and do the best with what you’ve got.

The physical pain of judgement

Judging others is woven into our society. We judge others’ religious views, appearance, parenting styles and speaking manner. We make immediate assumptions and value judgments on other people’s feelings, past experiences, or hopes for their lives. And while a certain degree of assessment is normal, in the way we assess anything in our physical world, this act of judging is not. At its core, it reflects a deep disconnect within ourselves. It reveals a fractured self, two separate people who live in our heads, one that judges, and the other that is judged.

If you have ever been the subject of another’s judgement, you might be able to relate to the feeling of how intensely uncomfortable it is. When it has happened to me, I have wanted to shrivel up and hide away. I feel a sense of shame, for no reason at all other than someone thinks that I should. And while this is an intensely negative emotional state, it is also an overwhelming physical sensation. After all, our emotions are not just registered in our heads and hearts, they are registered in our entire bodies. In every cell. Every single beautiful cell of mine, innocently minding its own business and carrying out its duties, is judged when you judge me.

Those who are closest to us can hurt us the most with their judgements. In fact, in many families and cultures, this is a way of life. There is a spectrum of our propensity to judge others, and a spectrum of our sensitivity to being on the receiving end. Falling on the more sensitive side of things means we are acutely aware of the physical pain that judgement brings. Being judged, dismissed, or categorized is not a benign action.

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The truth is, despite the physical pain that can be caused by being judged, there is a deep emotional pain at the core of the person who is doing the judging. There is a clinging to the need to be separate, which often breeds loneliness and isolation. Every judgement placed on another is like adding a brick to a growing wall whose only function is to disconnect us from each other. The reason people seek this separation is that they don’t feel secure any other way. Judgement is ultimately a preservation of self-identity.

By learning to be present and comfortable within ourselves, we can be present and comfortable with other people. We can throw out all the labels we apply to others, and instead simply see them. This does not mean we stop assessing others in circumstances that call for it (for instance, avoiding a scary person in a dark alleyway, or deciding who to do business with); what it means is that we stop making judgements about each other’s inherent worthiness as human beings. By stopping this, we stop the physical assault that judgment can be for some people. And most importantly, we can stop the assault on ourselves.

Are you Breathing?

As you read this right now, pay attention to your posture and your breath. We both know you are breathing, but are you Breathing? Breathing, with a capital B, means you take full inhales deep into your belly, so that your diaphragm lowers and your lungs expand. The breath flows easily, usually in and out through your nostrils, and it is this breath that supports whatever activity you are doing. Whether you are sitting in a cozy chair with a cup of coffee reading your favorite book, stuck in your cubicle at work, or maybe even standing at your jerry rigged standing workstation that you constructed to get up off your butt, the question I want you to ask yourself is, are you Breathing?

Most likely, you are realizing your breaths are shallow. It’s your neck muscles involved in breathing, not your diaphragm. And right about now, you are taking some deeper breaths and realizing how good it feels, almost like the first stretch you take in the morning. This isn’t a far-fetched analogy. You are expanding your ribcage in a way that feels good, because it has been dormant for a long time. It feels good to Breathe.

Breathing is a focus of many ancient meditative and healing practices that has largely gone overlooked in the West. One of the first things you can do to improve your health is to Breathe. The breath fuels the rest of your life, it is the basis of everything that you do. Athletes and musicians are just a few people who actively train their breathing capacity so they can pursue their careers. But Breathing is an essential practice for all people, in all situations.

Do you hate your job? Maybe it’s because you aren’t Breathing. Who wouldn’t hate their work, when that work is being fueled by short, anxious breaths that are only relieved when the clock announces it’s 5pm and time to go home? That’s probably when you take a giant sigh of relief, and instantly feel better. If you hate your job, Breathe.
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Are you in a frustrating argument with someone you care about? Maybe your frustration is so consuming because you aren’t Breathing. Dealing with a conflicting point of view, someone else’s error, or even their frank rudeness is a lot easier when your breath travels deep down into your chest, into your belly, and smoothly back out your nose. If you are in conflict with another person, Breathe.

Is illness a part of your life? Maybe you have a chronic illness, that seems to flare up at the worst times. Maybe you have an injury that is preventing you from reaching your fitness goals. No matter what it is, Breathe. Take those long, steady breaths in and out, this is when you need them the most.

Your breath is what calms your mind and eases distraction. It connects you mentally and emotionally to the present moment, where your body lives. If you are thinking about making positive changes in your life, or already embarking on that journey, know that conscious deep breathing can help carry you forward.

Sometimes it’s not you, it’s the “wood”

One of the hardest things for some of us to learn is when enough is enough. We put in so much effort to accomplish goals, and it can be frustrating when we feel that we aren’t making progress as quickly as we would like. We work and work until exhaustion, and still, when we don’t see results we assume we haven’t worked hard enough. Because we are trying to live life with accountability and responsibility, we know the outcome we want is achievable if only we commit to the process, whatever it takes. But what about those times we give it our all, commit fully, and still don’t see results?

Well….sometimes, it’s not you.

Sometimes, you really are doing everything “right”, but something else is inhibiting your progress. It’s probably something you haven’t thought of, and it might very well be something you aren’t even in control of.

I learned this the hard way. Being an over achiever and a person with healthy self-confidence, I generally feel excited by learning new things and sure that I can achieve a decent level of mastery with a bit of practice. When I moved into a small home on a homestead in Michigan, I was not daunted in the slightest by the wood-burning iron stove. In fact, this piece was my favorite in the whole house. It would be a source of warmth for me on cold winter nights. The flames would mesmerize me as I contemplated the Universe. My appreciation for natural resources would deepen, as I expressed gratitude for this gift.

Of course, this was all dependent on my learning how to start a fire in the first place.

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After three solid weeks of this effort, I was talking to a friend who had tried to walk me through the process several times. When he came over for a visit, he offered to get the fire started for me. It was hard to accept, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it on my own, especially as a woman (a silly qualifier my mind adds to things sometimes). But I did accept his offer, knowing I could learn something from him. And indeed I did! As soon as he saw the logs I was using for my fires, he looked at me with a raised eyebrow and informed me they were significantly rotted. Rotted wood is hard to burn, and doesn’t provide as much warmth as dry, seasoned wood. Because this was my first winter using wood for heat, and the shipment of wood had been delivered to me by the homestead, I had assumed the wood was fine. It wasn’t me after all….it was the wood, all along.

As soon as I got another shipment of wood, I could immediately see the difference. The new logs caught aflame right away, and not only that, I was able to pack the stove tightly so that I could easily get eight to ten hours of heat. I thought of how many hours I had spent trying to burn rotted wood. I thought of the effort I put into that task, again and again, without recognizing its futility. Of course, I couldn’t have known the problem was the wood because of my lack of experience, but I wonder sometimes how long I would have struggled under the belief that I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I know myself. I know that I am a hard worker, that I am bright, and pick up new skills quickly. I know that when I put my effort into things, I see results. But for some reason, I am quick to shift into a mindset that if something isn’t producing results despite my best efforts and trouble shooting, I am inadequately performing the job. I try harder and harder, losing my ability to see the situation clearly. I often think I am the problem when I perceive myself as failing.

So for all of you out there who know you are putting forth your best, committed effort: pause for a second, and think, what else could be inhibiting the results you seek.

Are you trying to start a fire with rotted wood?

Converting Distress into Eustress

Distress needs no introduction to most of you. You see that word, and right away images come to mind of what your particular distress is. Maybe its being stuck in an awkward conversation with someone you hardly know, with your cheeks aching from that fake smile. Maybe its feeling trapped in your home, with toddlers who won’t eat their lunch or listen to anything you say. Maybe its being stuck in traffic, on the one day you were able to leave work early to hopefully catch a yoga class. We all know distress really well, and the consensus opinion is we could use a lot less of it if we want to live longer and healthier lives.

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Now, here’s something that will surprise you… Your body can’t tell the difference between distress and eustress on its own. They are both stress. Your body will likely go through the same stress response in both scenarios, whether its an increased heart rate and respiratory rate, dilated pupils or increased circulation to your extremities. Your body is preparing to handle the stress, no matter what form that is. What is it then, that determines whether a stress is distress, or eustress?

It’s your mind. Your perception. How you view a stress ultimately determines whether that stress will fall into the distress versus the eustress category. If you see the stress as a threat, your body will kick into survival mode and divert its resources to either fight or flee from the stress. We can agree that this type of response, when chronic, ultimately leads to poor health outcomes. On the other hand, when we view stress as a challenge that we are fully equipped to handle, we may experience some of the same physiologic changes, but we no longer need to engage the fight or flight system. Instead, we activate the parts of ourselves that see deeper than the surface, into the meaning behind the stress. We see the potential for learning and growth. We know we have a unique opportunity to experience the rich complexities of life, and we look forward to the challenge, unafraid. The main difference between the negative or positive effects of stress comes down to your own perception.

I won’t try to convince you that being stuck in an akward conversation, or soothing a fussy child, or sitting in traffic, isn’t stressful. These scenarios definitely have components to them we can all identify as negative. The challenge is to find meaning in each one of those scenarios, and recognizing that each distressful situation offers us an opportunity to evolve our views. We won’t be able to do this all the time, but we must commit to trying to do it as often as possible. Chances are that when you are in that awkward conversation, you will relax and potentially discover something interesting and genuine about the person you are talking to. Or that your calm presence will aid in ending the tantrum thrown by your angry toddler. Or that when you are stuck in traffic, you will use that time that you have to yourself to reflect on life, listen to a radio program, or sing out loud to your favorite song.

When you encounter a stress, no one else but YOU has the power to decide how it will affect your body. It can either be an accumulating negative force on your body leading you to various chronic illnesses, or a momentary challenge activating you to rise up and find a deeper meaning.

Your body is prepared to meet every challenge that comes your way. Why not in turn help your body by shifting your perspective of stress. By learning how to convert distress into eustress, you no longer have to stress about all the stress! Just find even a little deeper meaning behind your challenges and you will be well on your way to living a longer, healthier life.