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Month: October 2013
How to be who you are
The big secret is that you don’t have to do anything. There is no list of prerequisites to accomplish, before which you can truly be who you are. The image you have of yourself sometime in the future when you finally lose the weight, graduate, get married, get divorced, have the baby, send the youngest off to college [insert whatever else here] is not actually who you really are. That person doesn’t even exist. They are most likely a character in the novel of your own mind, that you keep rooting for because you know their whole story and you know it must end happily at some point, right? But the thing is, you can’t ever get to the place of being who you truly are if you aren’t being who you are in this very moment. And the whole process beings with recognizing that in this moment, you are enough, as you are, perceived imperfections and all. That’s who you are. Not a person who has it all together at some point in the future, but the person who can embrace themselves in the current moment with compassion and understanding.
The only way to be who you are, is to turn off any expectation of yourself that prevents you from loving the current you. This is the only way to melt into the moment, to expand your soul a little bit, like swollen feet that finally get to relax after being crammed in tight shoes all night. Release those expectations, and what you will find is that there is some aspect of yourself right now that is the expression of everything you wish yourself to be. It could be your sense of humor, your faith in God, your relationships, or anything else. But there is something within you right now that feels like the truest part of yourself, its the part of yourself that you could recognize in the dark if you had to.
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Who you truly are is who you are right now. If you don’t like who you are right now, then dig deeper a few layers to what lies underneath. Connect to that inner self hidden away. Allow this part of you to breathe easily, knowing that it is seen. When you can become comfortable in this place, you will find that the only barrier to being who you are, is not taking the time to realize who you have always been.
You are your feelings, or are you?
Our feelings seem to be the stuff of life. They mark our biggest milestones, whether it’s getting our first promotion, giving birth, or experiencing the death of a loved one. Our feelings clue us into our lives and what action we want to take next. Without them, we would likely exist like a buoy in an ocean, bobbing up and down endlessly. Instead, our feelings infuse us with the energy of the waves, sometimes crashing violently onto the shore and at other times breaking like a gentle caress. Again and again, we feel the ups and downs in response to whatever Life is bringing to us in that moment. We feel emotion in response to what we are bringing to ourselves. Our feelings are how we know we are alive.
Sometimes we experience extremes of emotion that seem to take us over. Maybe it’s that feeling of frustration at the child who won’t stop crying, embarrassing us in a public place and drawing disapproving glances from those around. Or extreme bliss when we fall in love, which suddenly infuses us with the energy and creativity to accomplish long overdue projects. These extremes of emotion can often feel like in that one moment, the particular feeling is who we are. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. You are not the emotion itself. Who you are, is the experiencer of the emotion, the intelligence behind it. Just as the ocean is not each wave crashing against the shore, you are not the emotion passing through you at any one point in time.
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It is important to understand this difference because the implications can change your life. Once you understand that your feelings are merely a part of your energy moving through you, you can recognize that they are drawing your awareness inward for some purpose. The frustration at the child might be a sign that you have been neglecting your own needs. The utter bliss of falling in love can be an expression of deep gratitude for Life and a sense of connection with all beings. You can use your emotions as a roadmap to your intuitive self. When you feel a strong emotion, focus your awareness on it and the location it occupies within your physical body. This alone can be a transformative practice for many, but once you locate the emotion, become open to the message it is trying to communicate to you. Likely, it is acting as an invitation for your awareness to address unmet needs, or to connect more fully to the flow of life. And while your role as the experiencer is not to appease the individual emotions that may arise, it is to derive information so you can make conscious decisions about your life.
Finding your dream
As adults, most of us have stopped dreaming. We don’t imagine the wildest scenarios that we could find ourselves in tomorrow, next week, next year, because we know we are supposed to be more practical than that. We become burdened by the responsibility of adult life, of paying the bills, securing insurance, and making sure a roof is over our heads and food on the table.
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Some of us have a stronger need for this type of adult security than others, but we all have that inner dreamer hidden within. The dreamer that thinks of the best possible scenario, whether its falling in love again after a divorce, moving to a new city with exciting job opportunities, or growing the family with another child. Our dreams change as we age, as we evolve as people. But for so many of us, the dreams begin to lose their vibrancy and texture once we enter adulthood. It’s almost seen as silly to have a dream as an adult, as if somehow by not currently living the “dream”, we have failed. We begin to domesticate our wildest dreams, to house train them so that they can fit into what life currently represents for us. But having a dream as adults is so important for our overall health and well-being. Having a dream means that we are connected to some deeper part of ourselves that knows our full potential. And the more urgency we feel to live out that dream, the more we know the current situation has been limiting us for far too long.
Finding your dream is both hard and easy, depending on how you look at it. The easy part is that your dream is already within you, waiting to be explored. The hard part is that often we are unconscious to the dream, and we need to interpret Life’s signs and symbols to help make it a reality. The latter requires immense faith in ourselves, faith that we can know something so intangible about what others would call mere coincidence. But to those of us who are in touch with the dreamer side of our personality, we know there is no such thing as coincidence. We know that a dream is on the horizon, and we just have to follow the signs to find it.
Start to pay attention to the little signs that Life directs your way. When you sense you need to follow in a certain direction, allow the dreamer in you to take charge. Allow yourself to dream as big as you possibly can, to look to the future with anticipation and glee that it will be more amazing than you could even possibly realize now. Finding your dream begins with the permission to dream big. There is nothing holding you back, there is no one else you need to please, just dream big and take one step closer to the life you have always wished to live.
Following your dreams doesn’t mean it will always be easy. But the darkest night of your soul when following your dreams, will be nothing compared to the darkest night in a life you weren’t meant to live.
Your Vision
Creating a vision is an important coaching tool that helps each client connect with their innermost values and desires, and links it to their motivation to make the vision a reality. Some may find this exercise easy, while others will struggle with visualizing clearly what it is they want most for themselves. It requires a shift in thinking. The center of the vision is ultimately you, after all, and no body else. Not your family, friends or significant others. This vision is all about what you want in life, and this can be a hard shift to make for those who have spent much of their lives focused on the people around them.
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A clear vision is so important to create because it actually begins to train our brain and nervous systems. We all have well worn paths of thought we tread down again and again. This is no coincidence – this is merely how the brain works. The more we think and do things, the easier it becomes to think and do those same things again. By creating a detailed vision that reflects what we want most in life, we are allowing our nervous system to lay down new tracks that we can hopefully reinforce with further thought and action. The more we focus on this vision, the better chance we have of bringing it into reality.
Converting Distress into Eustress
Distress needs no introduction to most of you. You see that word, and right away images come to mind of what your particular distress is. Maybe its being stuck in an awkward conversation with someone you hardly know, with your cheeks aching from that fake smile. Maybe its feeling trapped in your home, with toddlers who won’t eat their lunch or listen to anything you say. Maybe its being stuck in traffic, on the one day you were able to leave work early to hopefully catch a yoga class. We all know distress really well, and the consensus opinion is we could use a lot less of it if we want to live longer and healthier lives.
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